Date:	2009-11-26 00:55
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	content

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I am enjoying the onset of the holiday season more this year than ever before. For one, I am so so so so so happy to NOT be traveling this year. In fact, we are hosting Thanksgiving tomorrow, and I couldn't be more delighted, even given the fact that I am working a night shift tonight. I spent today preparing. I put on Christmas music, lit my seasonal candle, and really got in the mood. I pulled a chair up to the counter and my trusty (almost) 2 year old helper stood on the chair and ate a few M&Ms while I made the stuffing. He was sure to take breaks from his "TREATS!" to wiggle his booty to Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree. It is seriously, my new favorite holiday memory. That same special toddler assisted me in cleaning the bathrooms last night; I would wash and he would dry. At the appropriate time, he would look at me, nod is head while asking "Baby turn?". We made hand-turkeys out of construction paper, and wrote the names of our family members, to be used as place settings tomorrow. I'm thinking about laminating them and having them be our Official Thanksgiving Place Settings for years to come. I say it every month: Jeb is at the best age ever. Seeing the world through (almost) 2 year old eyes, is hysterical and fun and just plain awesome. The holiday season only accentuates it :)

I am feeling very blessed, and thankful. Despite a challenging year, I have a fantastic husband, an amazing toddler, and so much more to be grateful for.


Enjoy your turkey!!

Date:	2009-11-14 02:49
Subject:	doctor drama
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed

Before yesterday, Jeb hadn't been to the pediatrician since last January. I had no idea it would take us so long to settle. I just kept thinking we'd be out of my mom's "soon", so I'd just wait and find one near where we'd be living. Well, the months stretched on, and before I knew it, it was September. Then it took a month of faxing forms to transfer records, and another month of finding out my schedule/making an appointment. So, here we were with almost a year of not having seen a Ped. Looking back, if I'd known how long it was going to take, I would have just seen one close to my mom's for the 15 and 18 month well-baby checks. Although, in the back of my mind, I knew we weren't missing any vaccines since we are delaying, and I knew he was healthy and growing, so I really wasn't sweating the whole thing.

So, we picked a Ped in our town based on a recommendation; B's cousin is 16 and has seen her her entire life. Bennett took the afternoon off so we could both be there for the first visit. I was pretty excited to get back on track, I really like taking Jeb to the Ped.

She walked in the room, asked us why he's not fully vaccinated, and after we explained our choices, proclaimed "Well, you have picked the wrong Pediatrician!". She then went on to tell us that she would see Jeb for this visit, but that she would not accept Jeb as a patient unless we caught him up on the full schedule. I was flabbergasted. Obviously, I don't want to continue seeing this doctor, but I was just so shocked. At our previous practice, there were several MDs whom we saw; some were less thrilled than others with our selective vaccination, but it was always a case of us being the parents and they had respect for our decisions. I told her this, and she reiterated her message: get the shots, or find another doc. She recommended another doctor in town, stating "he might take you." Oh, gee, thanks.

I am back to square 1. Part of me thinks, eff it, he's not due for another check up for a year, I've got time. But, I really want to have someone to call for a tamiflu script should we get the dreaded H1N1.

Everyday it becomes more and more clear that we should have just stayed put in VA.

Halloween was to fun for words!  We dutifully went to the nursing home to cheer up Great Granny.  Jeb caught on quickly to trick or treating, and was soon running from house to house :).  He lasted over an hour, which was about 45 minutes longer than I was expecting.  Toward the end, he would lay down on the side walk periodically to "rest", haha!  This is a terrific age, because, today?  He has no idea there is a stash of candy and therefore is not begging for it!




( The cutest clown ever! )

With a glass of wine in hand (and a couple in the belly...), I am keeping in mind the basics:

- Give people the benefit of the doubt. You never know from where they are coming.
- Smile. When in doubt, when cofused, when aproaching a stranger, just smile. It makes doors open.
- Have good manners. Say please and thank you, while smiling, and the world is at your fingertips.
- Pray. Giving Him thanks, and asking for His help has gotten me through the toughest of times.
- In times of stress...? Be a bitch if need be? Take a nap? Call a girlfriend? Just live through it in any way you can? IDK, this is my hardest one; it really shouldn't be in my list of "wisdoms" since I don't know how to handle it well :)
- If it cries, hug it.
- Having regular sex makes life in general much better.
- Sundays with family are as good as life gets. And that's perfectly perfect.

Date:	2009-10-03 16:24
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy

The loves of my life:)

I don't think I'm really a New Englander anymore.  It's too bad it took moving back here to notice it.

Bennett and I took Jeb on a long walk along the water in our new city this weekend.  It was gorgeous, so many others were out walking.  I tried to make eye contact and say hello to every single party walking in the opposite direction.  It was a specific walking path/boardwalk, so we were in close proximity to those walking toward us.  Not one person indulged me.  I don't understand why, WHY these people are so determined to be unfriendly? miserable? disgruntled? out-and-out rude at every chance they get?  Maybe it's the cold.  Maybe it's the shitty high taxes.  I don't know.  I know when I first moved to VA, a stranger said "hello!" to me on the street and I gave them the same look I received a dozen times on my walk this weekend.  I don't remember why I thought it was so terrible to be fucking FRIENDLY. 

I do remember that I thought it was kind of funny, like it was our culture or personality to have an "edge".  Well, I've lived the other, and I'm here to say--- being basically nice, and open, and smile, and have a "yes" attitude instead of a "no" attitude?  It's really just a more pleasant way to live.  So, I am going to do my damndest not to lose my smile.  I am going to extend some Southern Hospitality to every miserable New Englander I meet.  It will probably piss them off, but hey, they were going to be pissed of anyways.

Jeb has been sleeping like total shit.  He wakes up every hour or two and cries and screams.  I can't nurse him all night anymore, my back just can't take it.  So we are all exhausted; Bennett slept on his floor for hours last night.  Apparently Jeb would wake every hour and go back to sleep as long as he could see Daddy.  Maybe it's the new place, maybe it's 2 year molars, more than likely I'll never know and we'll just get through it.  I can't believe what an unbelievably shitty sleeper this kid has been since day 1. 

But... how can I get upset with this face ?!?!?!

Date:	2009-09-18 14:22
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

I was already busy and stressed when I  noticed Jeb pulling everything out of the lazy susan.  I got pissed and said sternly: Stop getting into EVERYTHING and don't EVER make another mess EVER again!

He laughed at me.  I laughed at myself :)

I love this toddler, but sheesh, sometimes it's like dealing with a crazy person.

Date:	2009-09-11 22:35
Subject:	9.11
Security:	Public
Mood:	mellow

Has it really been 8 years?  Wild.

Keeping the victims and families in my thoughts today...

Date:	2009-08-01 15:54
Subject:	The visit was better than I anticipated
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm

I had a great visit with my FirstBorn last  weekend.  He wears his hair longish, and it has the same body that mine does:)  We have identical hair, my son and I, how cool. 

He is 11 years old, and most definitely a Tween.  In some ways, he is wanting to be an adult, and in some ways , he is very much a young boy.  He has gone through periods of wanting to be very open about his story, and periods of wanting to be private about it.  (I can't blame him, I've gone through the same phases.)  On the train ride up to Vermont, he was very open and vocal, his mom tells me.  He wanted to tell everyone and anyone: I am going to see my birthmom, Patti! and my brother, Jeb!

((big, deep, sigh of awesomeness))

Jeb was completely smitten with his big brother :) and Colin was gentle and loving with his little bro.  Colin wanted to hear about stories about how he and Jeb were similar and different.  Anything I mentioned about Jeb, Colin was quick to ask "Was I like that?  Or different?"  Many of the questions, I had to direct to his mom. It wound up being perfect because the questions lead to fantasitic conversations about (our) children, parenting, adoption, love, and so much more. 

Jeb is just starting to repeat words.  Much of our day is spent saying things like "Yes, Jeb, that's water, can you say 'water;?"  To which he responds "DAbong!!!"  Colin watched as we interacted with Jeb, and soon caught on.  Late in the afternoon, I overheard my FirstBorn asking Jeb, "can you say 'brother'?"  I almost wept, and tear up even as I write it. 

My thoughts on adoption are changing once again.  It's a perspective thing.  I know many birthmoms who, once they are parents, experience a renewed sense of loss since they are experiencing everything they missed out on.  It's not that for me.  I dont' watch Jeb and think "I wish I knew how Colin kicked a ball at 19 months old."  Instead, I think about Dolores.  I now have the Mama perspective, and it's given me much food for thought on how to integrate the mama perspective with the birthmother perspective.  It will take more thought for me to really be able to articulate what it is I'm feeling about it all, but it just continues to prove the notion that adoption is indeed a journey.

Date:	2009-07-04 23:05
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy

Happy 233rd, USA!

I am so proud to be an American :)

Date:	2009-02-18 18:52
Subject:	there are no words.
Security:	Public
Mood:	crazy

The painter is here.

The real estate agent just left.

I am just shy of an offer on a job.

I bought a plane ticket.

There are boxes everywhere.

We bought a business.

We are moving next week.

I wonder why my back hurts and my mind is racing?

Date:	2009-02-15 21:02
Subject:	We got married!
Security:	Public
Mood:	ecstatic

Bennett and I decided last minute to elope this weekend, and it was totally awesome.  We walked down to a park in the neighborhood, with some friends to witness.  Jeb toddled around, and rolled his ball in between us as we said our vows, it was so special :). 

Our families are thrilled, except for my sister who flipped out crying that I have "taken so much away from her".  Her reaction was totally what I expected.  Oh well, I married the man of my dreams and it's too bad that she couldn't even muster a "congrats".

I'm hitched and couldn't be happier!

Date:	2009-01-15 15:07
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited

Finding a job even in the field of nursing has been a nightmare.  I never thought I'd see the day, but I have been looking for a full time job in an ICU in all the hospitals in Rhode Island for weeks, to no avail.  I found one today and filled out an application!  Holy crap, I think we are moving!

The only other thought I have is that I HATE mastitis.  Antibiotics are on board and things are getting better, but OMG: OUCH!

Date:	2009-01-05 16:49
Subject:	Ew.
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored

Jeb's high chair needs to be power-washed.  Literally.  If it weren't January, I'd take it outside and hose it down.

One year olds are dirty, grubby creatures.

Date:	2009-01-03 11:46
Subject:	A huge milestone that I have been so looking forward to.
Security:	Public
Mood:	relieved

I think I am done pumping.  OMFG I can't even explain how good it feels to say that.  We stopped giving Jeb bottles of EBM when he turned a year old, but my boobs still wouldn't let me go 13 hours without nursing or pumping, so I was still doing 1 session while at work for relief.  I wound up with 40+ ounces that we weren't going to use, and donated them to a good friend who has super-shitty suply.  So that was super cool, too.  Anyway, this week I was able to get through 2 12 hour shifts, and while I was definitely full by the end of them, I wasn't in pain.   Bennett and I are going out of town for 1 night next weekend, my mom will be here with Jeb.  I will probably have to pump at least 3 times over those 36 hours, but then that is IT.  YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!

I don't care how long we nurse when Jeb and I are together, I still really love it, but I have hated that God Forsaken Machine Baby. 

See you in a couple of years, pump.

Date:	2008-12-10 16:41
Subject:	hello, red and green eyed monster.
Security:	Public
Mood:	jealous

A very good (childless) friend just told me about a super fun Christmas party she is going to this weekend with her husband.  It's at a 5-star hotel, with an open bar, and will be a dressy, festive , fun party. 


Oh well.  There will be plenty of time for Bennett and I to have freedom and go to fun holiday parties in the future.

Date:	2008-11-28 20:56
Subject:	turkey-induced blather
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy

Tomorrow is Jeb's first birthday party.  He turns 1 on Thursday, but we are up visiting family, so we decided to have the party this weekend.  I can't believe it's already been a year, but I also can't believe it's been ONLY a year.  Part of me is waiting for the Earth to open up and swallow me: I made it through the first year, so that's it, right?  I've been so focused on getting through the first year, I forgot that I have many more to go.  I love life with Jeb more everyday, he gets more and more fun everyday, but damn it's intense.  Thankfully, "today's" struggle doesn't last long.  Jeb is constantly changing, and so does the particular struggle.  Just when I think something is going to drive me batty, he changes, and I am challenged in a different way. 

I am filled with thought of this time last year.  Today, last year, I was 9 days overdue, and desperate to give birth.  I was astounded that Jeb might be a December baby, and I didn't even know if he was a boy or a girl.  I am so happy to be on this side of this year, but I also can't wait to give birth again. 

Time for another cocktail.  It's the Holiday Season, after all :)

Date:	2008-11-22 14:53
Subject:	Saturday afternoon peace.
Security:	Public
Mood:	content

Jeb is down for his afternoon nap.  I am drinking another cup of coffee and farting around online.  Baked ziti is in the oven for my brand-newly-postpartum mama friend, which we'll run over when Jeb wakes.  Bennett is in the next room playing computer games.  My house is relatively clean and dinner for tonight is taken care of: a batch of baked ziti of our own.  

It's looking like a good afternoon.

Date:	2008-11-16 16:32
Subject:	family photo shoot
Security:	Public
Mood:	chipper

a co-worker's husband is a photographer and did a family shoot for us this morning.  check out http://linkowitzphotography.wordpress.com/  to see some of the pics :)